College Relationships; Five Reasons they fail (Part 2)

4. Disproportionate Expectations


Expectations are an important aspect that has been overlooked. People, consciously and subconsciously, have expectations of each other that need to be clearly communicated. This comes in two forms; first, personal expectations. For instance, on an occasion, John would expect that since they went out to dinner last night, there is no need for excessive interaction the following day, yet Jill may think otherwise. This is just as much a communication issue as it is a misunderstanding of expectations. The second form which is the more serious kind is intertwined with misaligned ambitions.


Having the same understanding of where you are and where you are intending to go are very critical to a healthy relationship. People often get lost in the romance of sweet friendship which is warranted in its proper place and time. But if the romance is blinding you from clearly ironing out your ambitions and how you intend to see them realized, then you may need to put the intimacy on hold until this is straightened out. Direction both in the relationship and in life should be frequently discussed because it changes with time and develops with the progression of life. I mean how many times did you really think of changing your major or actually did? It is possible that your ambitions for your relationship could have changed for whatever reason and need to be realigned. When people are not willing to put the time in establishing a kinship in direction, they tend to frustrate their relationship because they don’t seem to ‘click’ anymore.


5. Waning Commitment


Finally, but definitely not least, we encounter the issue of commitment. In my estimation, this could be the number one most suffered problem in college type relationships. The word commitment has been exiled from the vocabulary of our society. Where commitment once covered the ground, indolence and selfishness have taken over. According to dictionary.com, commitment refers something that takes time or energy or devotion and dedication to someone or something. Now, you tell me how many times you have seen this exemplified in relationships near and around you? The tendency when things get hard and require effort and persistence is for people to desert the relationship. Instead of working hard at conserving the good that has already been established and is potentially there, we become more comfortable with landing on the next pretty flower, hoping it has some nectar to offer.


The previous cause of failed relationships is often coupled with and fleshed out in the "grass is greener on the other side of the fence’ mentality. This frame of mind, I believe is responsible for a lot of the divorces experienced in this country, and has led to a dissatisfied and discontented culture that is not willing to work things out but in quick fixes and some sort of self correction. With the myriad of options to choose from, especially at a large college, you can see how this plays out in relationships. Guys on one hand are flirting and fondling with any and every girl they find; girls on the other hand are no longer interested in preserving themselves but hope that with use they will happen upon the greenest of all grasses. Once again this reflects on the weight of our first two main points; a solid foundation of love and a proper perspective on the sin nature of people. For if these were in place, people would be content and have no need to practice relational prostitution.


Conclusion


The heart of the matter is this; if we are not willing to love (agape) truly from the heart understanding that we are all sinful people, lacking in perfection; and are not willing to work together toward a decided direction and committed to it, then we have little hope if any of good, solid and even amiable relationships in our colleges today and beyond.

College Relationships; Five Reasons they fail (Part 1)

The college years, apart from being inundated with inhumane workloads, are garnished with girl-guy relationships. It’s obvious, the desire to love and be loved especially on a college campus with several hundred young and ambitions single people. The dating culture has always left me perplexed; stereotyped by holding hands, back rubbing, even kissing, the picture painted is a nice lush experience void of effort and commitment. Consequently, this nonchalant attitude has most of the relationships at this stage breaking as fast as they form. Looking at some of the reasons why this would happen consistently, will help us tackle the problem from the roots.

1. Building the relationship on the wrong foundation.

Christ shows the importance of choosing a good and solid foundation in the parable of the man who built his house on a rock and the other on the sand. When the rains came down and the floods went up, the house on the sand came tumbling down. The question we need to address here is; does liking someone precede loving him or her? According to the eight people I asked, it seemed unanimous that liking precedes loving someone. Is this biblical? What’s wrong with it anyway? This is what people do, right? Well taking a closer look could lead to challenging results.

Liking someone, builds off the qualities the other person possesses. They could be incredible swimmers, catastrophically beautiful, even outrageously smart, but if these qualities alone form the foundation upon which you determine to enter into serious relationship with them, what will happen when you find a better swimmer, or an even more beautiful person? Do you abandon ship and swim to the next best one across the waters? This is why Christ mentions love as the basis of all true relationship. Agape (Greek for unconditional love) loves not because of what can be extracted from the other party but to give to the other person in any and every circumstance. It always looks outside itself and not to self. It is this heart attitude that sustains Christ’s love for the church even though filled with sinners. So there you have it. Agape must, of necessity precede an attractive liking to a potential boyfriend or girlfriend. It is this misunderstanding that has led to a lot of the failed relationships and is the fundamental principle that if missed all else is set off kilter.

2. Understanding the depravity humanity

Almost as imperative as being founded on love is to a good relationship, is an understanding of humanity’s depravity. People are sinners trying to be saintly, and not saints with occasional sin. This is a major premise that if missed, leads to a disastrous relationship end. Many a people have engaged in relationships thinking, ‘Oh! They are so sweet, they would never hurt me?’ or ‘He is so kind he wouldn’t even hurt a fly!’ And though these statements seem innocent and ‘cute’, they represent the deception of the heart. Humanism, that took root during the renaissance left major bruises in the cultural body that we are still treating. If people think they are innately good, then they can never understand when people show who they really are and indeed are surprised at people’s sinfulness. This selfishness in each other, if unexpected, can and has devastated relationships because people are expecting only or mostly good out of sin filled vessels.

3. The ‘Me’ Syndrome

The reasons that now follow are only symptoms of a depraved stricken humanity and its failure in applying Agape for restraint. I have termed this next one the ‘me syndrome’. What I mean by this is, people who are looking for a mate or someone to fit the list of qualities and descriptions they have carefully thought through, but don’t understand what they really need. Having a list of quality traits is not necessarily bad, actually, it is a beautiful thing to have a clear understanding of what you need and are looking for in a mate. But like all things, sometimes good is the enemy of best. A closer look at this approach reveals the false idea that the list is all inclusive and inerrant. Frequently, I have interacted with people who have on a ‘shopping list’, meticulously picked out their future spouse to the point that even to imagination of such a person is impossible. What people need to realize is that though it is beneficial to have a generic outline of the kind of person you want, people don’t exist in a ‘ready to use’ mode, and neither do they come with microwave instructions!

People including you, are constantly growing and changing. The ‘good’ person you thought you were last year was not really good and in any case has changed this year (hopefully for the better). So an appropriate use of the list of qualities is required to avoid disappointment. Many relationships fail merely because people are not willing to grow together and help each other mature and be better people through the process. People are not as interested in the work involved in growing together; as they are in finding the finished product, which unfortunately for many is inexistent.

Continued in Part 2

Delayed Adolescence: Where do we go from here?

If working at the local coffee shop, living with multiple roommates, flip-flops and board shorts, long vacations and short work hours, non committal relationships and a fluidity of partners consist of your anticipated lifestyle for the next 5-10 years; you are a pragmatic ‘twixter’ believe it or not.

‘Millennial's’, ‘emerging adults’ “twixters” among others are terms being used analogous to delayed adolescents. These individuals, typically within the ages of 18 to 25 and in college, are characterized by short term goals, near sighted living, being in vogue with every wind of fashion, technologically savvy and up to speed on celebrity news and when the new race car or other will be released, to mention a few. It’s clear, even from the shy list of ‘twixter’ qualities, that these, who are the ‘adults’ of tomorrow are in no way, shape or form ready for the weight of responsibility that awaits them. For some the extent of their concern is their next videogame purchase, the newest fashion line, spending money on one eBay® purchase after another and the list goes one.

The tendency to a delayed maturity and procrastinated responsibility has been manifest in our generation more than any before us. In an article by the communications department at The University of Pennsylvania, young men during the first half of the 20th century, attained the ability to support a family by age of 20, and women were married with children before age 30 but this has declined significantly with more single men and women and parents as well. Other studies show an appreciable delay in marriages and child bearing among these individuals. This is coupled with an equal increase in job turn over numbers, premarital sex, and returning home after graduating college. How did our society get here?

Perhaps it’s the degeneration of the family unit along with its virtues. It is estimated that the majority of families even here in LA are increasingly being led by single parents, not to mention the high divorce rates even among the religious. The family was once what people worked toward and once realised, became what they worked to maintain. This condition then naturally leaves the society with poor role models to learn from and follow.

How about the expectations of the culture? As my economics professor correctly pointed, a society’s integrity can always be told by its dependence on accountability. The media inundates the so exposed mind with tickling news, commercials on self improvement and even when serious issues are aired they are often cartoonized and presented as unserious. The countless sitcoms and shows about young slap-stick, promiscuous and even irresponsible but seemingly happy professionals, only escalate the plague.

With the nippy access to the internet and inevitably the world this generation enjoys, it’s only ironic that they happen to be the most naive and unconscious of both local and global events. A lacking exposure to real needs and the hard work associated with meeting them, has made this generation comfortable with ignorance. A 60minutes presentation on delayed adulthood revealed that the problem came with a big emphasis in homes during the ‘twixter’s’ growing years, on individual worth in relation to self and not society. This consequently yielded self absorbed and as one man put it, ‘Narcissistic praise hounds.’

To develop this further, individualism is by far one of the biggest players in this game. From some of the mundane events of life such as birthdays, holidays, vacations, clothing style, to the more important issues of health, schooling, choice of spouse even choice of career, we see an even kilted emphasis on me, myself and I. We are taught from early on that we have an opinion and that it matters even more than what is known to be true. It is attitudes like this that breed societies like the Millennials with no concern for anyone or thing but themselves.

To spare the dead horse, I conclude by asking whether we led ourselves blindly over this cliff or if it is just a shift in a society’s paradigms. Either way it’s conceivable that we poorly projected the consequences of our actions and now are turning in on us. Regardless of how we arrived here, the more imperative question is where do we go from here?

When your rope breaks

We all have those days, peradventure weeks when all our strength leaves us and we are found helpless. It is in these days that our character is tested for what it is and if we are serious, amended for tougher times. The poem below ventures into what our first responses to tough times should be; pending exams, overdue assignments, sicknesses, disappointments, and necessary hurdles, whatever the case in those moments when your rope should break what would be your first move!?

When your rope breaks, pray!
Pray the grace of the Lord come down
To your very aid in that day
Lest your life be done and grief all you own

Don’t run first to your friend
With the sad tidings you bear
Nor place hope in them to end
What you both know by fear

Avoid the error of business
For it will leech your time of day
Seek out sober mindedness
Cultivate carefully, the desire to pray

Also never be too quick
To withdraw your trust
Or let your faith leak
Or your hope rust

One thing to always keep in mind
Two things you must remember
A many great saints have come to find
In prayer a beautiful splendor

And when despair has been your toll
And failure your proclamation
Remember the truth O soul
And find in God your salvation

Listen dear one and listen well
Or you will only joined the ranks
Of those before whose sorrows we tell
Who sought not help and returned no thanks

So when your rope should suddenly break
Don’t fret or even be afraid
Sometimes it is your lot to take
But have no fear nor be dismayed

One word to the wise should truly suffice
Rely on God, His name cannot fail
In this you’ll know that your heart is wise
To trust His character and His peace to prevail

Don’t let a lacking desire
Starve your wanting heart
Pray God that you’ll admire
An earnest praying heart

Proteins, Levinthal’s Paradox and God

Part of the benefits of being a biology major is looking at life through slightly more complex eyes. (Doesn’t sound like much fun…but it is!) Recently in class we went over two interesting topics in my most loved biochemistry class with Dr. Anderson. Here we go with a quick Biochemistry 101.

Protein is not just the stuff ‘they’ say is in eggs, steak and all that those who adhere to a high Protein diet eat!! It is also the stuff that our cells are constantly making even this very minute. They are the most important machines in the body because they regulate most of the biochemical pathways that are essential to life. Now to get to the point of all this, before you are disinterested, all proteins are made in the cell and are folded to be functionally active; this happens by the help of other proteins. The question is then raised, “Where do the proteins that help the new proteins fold properly so they can function come from? To answer the question, two answers may be exploited, either: There would have to be an infinite number of reductions into eternity past up to the point where the first protein was some how arrived at by a series of random collisions, or someone would have had to make the first essential proteins for the whole system to begin working.

Exploring either of these answers led me to my second observation in my Biochemistry class. We learnt about what is called Levinthal’s Paradox: In 1969 Cyrus Levinthal found that for a protein containing 100 amino acids (a really small protein) to fold correctly into its functional form, if allowed to fold randomly would take approximately 20 Billion years to do so. The reason this is a paradox and relevant to what we are saying is; according to the Big Bang theory the supposed age of the earth is only about 14 billion years. If this is an accurate calculation, then we should have the first protein in 6 billion years! What is even more amazing is that it takes bacteria (E. coli) only 5 seconds to fold an equivalently long protein! In an attempt to solve this paradox, two possibilities may be exploited, either: As organisms evolved, they developed faster methods of folding proteins that would fit into the 14 billion year old universe model, or someone would have had to make and pre-design the first essential proteins and their mechanism of folding to suffice into the 5 second folding by E. coli

Exploring either of these answers led me to one all satisfying conclusion: God. Since all things were made by and through Him, it is perfectly fine that a protein that should fold in 20 billion years, folds correctly in only 5 seconds; it is perfectly fine that all the necessary ingredients and elements necessary for this to occur were made available from the beginning of time to allow correct folding the first time; it is also perfectly fine to believe without a shadow of a doubt, that God was, is and will be responsible for the presence and sustenance of all things. (Heb 1:3)

So there it is! The things you learn about God in the folding of proteins! Who would have thought?

Thoughts on Death

Excerpt from The Imitation of Christ by Thomas A’Kempis

VERY soon your life here will end; consider, then, what may be in store for you elsewhere. Today we live; tomorrow we die and are quickly forgotten. Oh, the dullness and hardness of a heart which looks only to the present instead of preparing for that which is to come!

Therefore, in every deed and every thought, act as though you were to die this very day. If you had a good conscience you would not fear death very much. It is better to avoid sin than to fear death. If you are not prepared today, how will you be prepared tomorrow? Tomorrow is an uncertain day; how do you know you will have a tomorrow?

What good is it to live a long life when we amend that life so little? Indeed, a long life does not always benefit us, but on the contrary, frequently adds to our guilt. Would that in this world we had lived well throughout one single day. Many count up the years they have spent in religion but find their lives made little holier. If it is so terrifying to die, it is nevertheless possible that to live longer is more dangerous. Blessed is he who keeps the moment of death ever before his eyes and prepares for it every day.

If you have ever seen a man die, remember that you, too, must go the same way. In the morning consider that you may not live till evening, and when evening comes do not dare to promise yourself the dawn. Be always ready, therefore, and so live that death will never take you unprepared. Many die suddenly and unexpectedly, for in the unexpected hour the Son of God will come. When that last moment arrives you will begin to have a quite different opinion of the life that is now entirely past and you will regret very much that you were so careless and remiss.

How happy and prudent is he who tries now in life to be what he wants to be found in death. Perfect contempt of the world, a lively desire to advance in virtue, a love for discipline, the works of penance, readiness to obey, self-denial, and the endurance of every hardship for the love of Christ, these will give a man great expectations of a happy death.

You can do many good works when in good health; what can you do when you are ill? Few are made better by sickness. Likewise they who undertake many pilgrimages seldom become holy.

Do not put your trust in friends and relatives, and do not put off the care of your soul till later, for men will forget you more quickly than you think. It is better to provide now, in time, and send some good account ahead of you than to rely on the help of others. If you do not care for your own welfare now, who will care when you are gone?

The present is very precious; these are the days of salvation; now is the acceptable time. How sad that you do not spend the time in which you might purchase everlasting life in a better way. The time will come when you will want just one day, just one hour in which to make amends, and do you know whether you will obtain it?

See, then, dearly beloved, the great danger from which you can free yourself and the great fear from which you can be saved, if only you will always be wary and mindful of death. Try to live now in such a manner that at the moment of death you may be glad rather than fearful. Learn to die to the world now, that then you may begin to live with Christ. Learn to spurn all things now, that then you may freely go to Him. Chastise your body in penance now, that then you may have the confidence born of certainty.

Ah, foolish man, why do you plan to live long when you are not sure of living even a day? How many have been deceived and suddenly snatched away! How often have you heard of persons being killed by drownings, by fatal falls from high places, of persons dying at meals, at play, in fires, by the sword, in pestilence, or at the hands of robbers! Death is the end of everyone and the life of man quickly passes away like a shadow.

Who will remember you when you are dead? Who will pray for you? Do now, beloved, what you can, because you do not know when you will die, nor what your fate will be after death. Gather for yourself the riches of immortality while you have time. Think of nothing but your salvation. Care only for the things of God. Make friends for yourself now by honouring the saints of God, by imitating their actions, so that when you depart this life they may receive you into everlasting dwellings.

Keep yourself as a stranger here on earth, a pilgrim whom its affairs do not concern at all. Keep your heart free and raise it up to God, for you have not here a lasting home. To Him direct your daily prayers, your sighs and tears, that your soul may merit after death to pass in happiness to the Lord.